Unsound News

Weeeee'rreeee Baaaaacccckkkk

2007-03-22T14:54:00.000-04:00

Well, almost :)

Look for the new system at www.unsoundnews.com!

Ambatchdotcom SEOContest

2006-08-04T00:27:00.000-04:00

I am loving watching the Ambatchdotcom SeoContest!

There are some great players in the Contest and is really really incredile to watch what they are doing, and where their names popup through out the web-o-sphere.

The Ambatchdotcom Seocontest is now full under swing, although a few people have answered the call, and signed theselves into the contest now that round two is well under way.

It will be very difficult for them to catch up now that the rest of us have enjoyed a nice big lead... That being said... it won't be impossible either!

The Ambatchdotcom SEOContest is still very much under way! Good Luck all!

Ex-Carolina Panthers cheerleaders to appear in Penthouse

2005-12-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

Although Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley have been ousted from the Panthers cheerleading squad, they may have their sights set on a new “spread”.

Unsound News has learned that the two former Carolina Panthers cheerleaders have been approached by penthouse to appear in a feature in an upcoming issue.

It has not been disclosed how much the two were offered to appear in Penthouse Magazine, but it has been rumored to be in the $1 million range for each of the two ex-cheerleaders.

It has also been rumored that the two ex-cheerleaders would also be asked to re-enact the scene of their arrests for the feature, however one would assume with a slightly more exotic theme.

Pamela Anderson, J.D. Fortune to release limited edition Blackberry

2005-12-06T12:09:00.000-05:00

In a surprising move to boost the popularity of the Blackberry, RIM international has partnered with Pamela Anderson and J.D. Fortune, new front man for INXS, to provide limited edition versions of their Blackberry devices.

In light of the recent turmoil surrounding trademark infringement, RIM International has moved forward with the initiative to attempt to boost popularity of the device and hopefully put the public on their side.

At unsound news, we are uncertain as to why RIM would have chosen Pamela Anderson or J.D. Fortune as sponsors for the new devices. While these two are notable in their respective positions, we quite simply just do not see them as technology sponsors.

Expect to see new skins for these new blackberry devices depicting the two in various themes.

Saving Lives In Singapore

2005-12-02T08:56:00.000-05:00

Breaking News:

In Singapore, an Australian man was put to death on Friday on drug related charges.

Mr. Nguyen received a mandatory death sentence after he was caught in 2002 at Singapore's airport on his way home to Melbourne carrying about 14 ounces of heroin.

Singapore has executed more than 100 people for drug-related offences since 1999, saying its tough laws and penalties are an effective deterrent against a crime that ruins lives.

Unsound Judgement:

It seems that by killing people, Singapore officials believe they are saving lives.

If they really were concerned about saving lives though, they would ban their cab drivers from eating curry while on the job!

Jesus Found In Urinal in Las Vegas!

2005-11-29T19:36:00.000-05:00

This weeks Jesus sighting has been brought to us by Thelma Andrews of Las Vegas Nevada. Thanks for this great pic!

This one is hard to see, but Jesus is definately there! (if you need a hint scroll down to the bottom!)

(hint - look in the white water!)

XBOX 360 Glitches Unbearable for Some

2005-11-25T10:48:00.000-05:00

It’s Crazy; not since the Tickle-Me-Elmo has there been so much excitement and electricity surrounding any one retail item on the market so close to Christmas. Only two days ago eager shoppers lined up outside of retail locations such as Best Buy, Wal-Mart, Future Shop and others to get their hands on a Coveted XBOX 360.

Unfortunately, this would prove to be a bigger task than many had imagined. Some of those not lucky enough to have pre-ordered an Xbox even lurked outside of retail stores offering cash in excess of $2,000 to anyone walking out with an XBOX 360 in their hands.

The dream of receiving an XBOX 360 however, may be just a little bittersweet for some. Reports are surfacing from XBOX 360 owners who are complaining about errors and glitches that are occurring with their new XBOX systems.

Complaints about the problems with the XBOX 360 have ranged from being unable to complete levels in games to the actual destruction of game discs due to overheating.

"It's a few reports of consoles here and there not working properly," said Molly O'Donnell, a spokeswoman for Microsoft's Xbox division. "It's what you would expect with a consumer electronics instrument of this complexity....par for the course." To this we respond, "It's what you would expect for buying a Microsoft product... par for the course". Of course, we were not able to get our hands on an Xbox so we may be biased.

However, this contemptful thought pushed us here at Unsound News to look into the problem further, and we have learned through an inside-Microsoft Correspondent that there may be a more believable, not suprising and less palatable reason for these errors.

“It has always been the belief of the Microsoft Corporation that bugs and errors are the keys to success with any new technology. Without these types of glitches, there would be no way for us to release patches and keep people coming back to our website for updates” said our source who requested not to be identified. “Besides” they added, “we truly believe that people feel comfortable with these types of issues. Without these issues, our customers would feel empty and alone”.

Microsoft Xbox division’s Molly O'Donnell urged anyone with Xbox problems to call 1-800-4myXbox or go to Xbox.com. If the problems can't be resolved immediately, Microsoft will pay to ship the console overnight to a repair centre and return it once fixed, or ship a replacement.

Ford Vehicle owners in the "Hot Seat"

2005-11-16T14:36:00.000-05:00

Today, Ford Motor Company recalled more than 220,000 vehicles for issues which are believed to be causing owners to be in the “Hot Seat” in their vehicles, literally.

As reported by Ford to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, a defect in the affected vehicle’s wiring appears to be causing live battery wires to be rubbing, chafing and making contact with the vehicle’s frame. In extreme cases, this defect has been reported to have caused affected vehicles to catch fire.

What hasn’t been reported however by Ford at this point is that the affected wiring seems to be directly below the driver’s seat of the vehicle. When Unsound News spoke with a few owners of these affected vehicles, we were surprised to learn that in some cases the heat caused by these rubbing wires reached unbearable limits.

Some owners indicated that at times, it would get so bad that they would need to pull over to the side of the road to cool down. Some owners even suspected that they had been upgraded to the higher model of vehicle which contained heated seats. The only problem however was that none of these vehicles contained heated seats as an option.

Ford has assured the public that there have been no reported posterior injuries tied to the recall.

Breaking News>> Tsunami heading directly for Japan

2005-11-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

Unsound News has just learned that a magnitude 6.9 quake off the coast of Japan has spawned a massive Tsunami.

Tsunami warning detection systems were triggered late Monday afternoon when the quake rocked the region. Waves in excess of 400 feet have been detected off shore.

Evacuation measures are currently underway to empty the Japanese islands before the tsunami makes landfall. With the size of the tsunami in question, it is expected that the entire island system of Japan will be submerged at the height of the tsunami’s wave.

Stay tuned to www.unsoundnews.com for further updates and details.

Smoking Cigarettes In Canada

2005-11-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

This is an Unsound News Short Report:
(From the Un-Associated Press)

With the average price of cigarettes as high as they are, Canada is quickly becoming a country where it is easier to marry a fag than smoke one.

Prices in the North West Territories have reached $86.50 per carton with Saskatchewan and Newfoundland close runners up at $84.15 and $83.75 respectively.

And the cheapest places to get cigarettes (assuming you do not have access to an Indian Reserve)? That would be Quebec at $63.55 per carton where high demand is keeping the prices low low low!

I bet you always thought that throaty sound was part of the French accent, didn't you?

Best ways to stop procrastinating

2005-11-12T10:10:00.000-05:00

Read the Full Story!

We all have busy lives and lately it seems like one of the most common phrases we have heard around here is some variation of "I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to do what I need to". The funny thing is that we usually hear this from people standing around the water cooler, lounging around on a couch or generally pursuing some activity that is not getting them any closer to finishing whatever it is that needs to be done.

With this in mind, we set out see if we could find the reason why these people couldn't find enough time to get things accomplished and to see if we could come up with the best methods possible to help them out. That's just the type of people we are here at Unsound News, always helping out our fellow man, etc.

We contacted Dr. Philinsky at the Stanford institue of ethics, but he was asleep, no doubt procrastinating, so we went to a higher power. After much trouble, we were able to reach Dr. Opinilra from the New York Center of the Mind who was gracious enough to help us out.

Dr. Opinilra had this to say "Procrastination is all in the head of the procrastinator. Frankly procrastination is generally carried out by sloths." We were a little confused by the sloths comment as we were sure that procrastination was a Human trait; we pushed for more. "Sloths, I was trying to be PC... we are talking about really lazy people here; the more lazy the person, the more procrastinating gets done. Let's face it... people who are industrious do not procrastinate... this is definately a lazy thing."

Yes, but how does one get over a procrastination problem? Dr. Opinilra helped us out with this small list:

Stop being so bloody lazy!! Stop complaining about not having enough time, get off your tubby backside and get something done!!!
Drink copious amounts of coffee and coke
Everytime you notice yourself complaining about not having time to do something, DO IT! It is a common trait with regular-procrastinators to spend so much time complaining about not having enough time, that they really don't have much time left. The time you spend complaing to everyone around you (who don't really care beyond the first comment anyway) could be more than enough time to do what you are complaining about not having enough time to do in the first place!
To borrow a common slogan - JUST DO IT!
If you an overly nervous person and the tasks that are piling up are so numerous that you feel daunted, start with baby steps. Prioritize the tasks and concentrate on the one at the top of the list first, when it is done, go to the next.
Efedra dissolved in redbull. Start with one EfedRedBull every three hours - may give you some uncomfortable heart palpatations, but you will definately not feel like sitting around!
If everything ends ass-up and you just can't seem to get what you need to do done, Forget about it! Really... if it wasn't important enough for you to get off the couch last month, or last week... then why bother. Just cross it off you list! Then you will have some free time to find something else to complain about!

Apple Donates Millions Of Dollars In Equipment To Schools Across The US

2005-11-11T15:48:00.000-05:00

Read The Full Story

In an unanticipated move this week, Apple Computers has generously donated Millions of Dollars worth of computer equipment to schools across America. Because the computers are a little dated, we could not get an exact worth, but the donation works out to tens of millions of computers.

When we contacted Apple we were shifted around a few times before finally being dumped in the lap of PR employee Shelly Korne, "We had all of these machines taking up space in warehouses across the mid-west... We heard that there was a severe shortage in many schools... It seemed like a good fit."

After talking to Principals across the nation, we have learned that the vast majority of these new computers are actually Apple II (or Apple ][ we are told) and Apple II g's although there is apparently a few commodores and even a handful of Atari 800XL's, although, Shelly Korne could not explain why Apple had these competitors systems.
"Of course we are grateful for donations of any kind..." says Principal John Womack of Windy Hill middle school outside of Harrisburg Pennsylvania, "and they are certainly better than nothing, which is what we had previously!"

But not everyone was so positive. Kathy Chavez, an English teacher in Arizona had this to say, "Hello!!! The screens only come in cyan, there are no USB ports, so we couldn't upgrade to a webcam even if we could afford the $50, I am pretty sure that the laser printer in the office isn't compatible, and don't even get me started on the sound produce when these are running..."

Jerry Wiltz, a Board of Education member in Kansas was even more succinct, "Can you even get 5 1/4 inch disks? Or was it 5 1/2?!?" That being said, these computers are appropriate for the school board that voted to stop teaching the theory of evolution!

When we tried to contact Shelly Korne again we found out that she had been sacked for talking to us. But we did convince Tom Harris, another employee to spill the beans after promising that he would remain anonymous; "It's like this, we had planned on digging a big hole in New Mexico and burying the approximately 12 million computers, but the sheer amount of mercury and lead that would have put directly into the areas ground water would have been very, very bad... Besides, we buried a bunch of computers in the late 90's and got in big trouble over the whole thing!"

NASA Finds Jesus on Mars!

2005-11-10T18:38:00.000-05:00

Read The Full Story

This was sent to us by an anonymous source at NASA's Califorina office.

If you have a picture displaying the appearance of Christ, we will help you show the world! send it to unsoundnews@gmail.com.

Dell to merge with Microsoft in deal worth 30 Billion

2005-11-10T15:35:00.000-05:00

Read The Full Story

With reports of declining interest in the PC market and less desire by consumers to purchase bundled computer systems, Unsound News has learned Dell Computer Corporation is poised to sell majority stakes to the Microsoft Corporation.

In a deal worth an estimated 30 Billion, Dell is expected to merge with the Seattle Giant creating the largest system based software manufacturer on the market.

The move has been seen as an attempt by the Microsoft Corporation to combat rising popularity of Google which has begun to invade the Internet and software industry by storm. “With the move” said trader Geoffrey McMichael, “Microsoft appears to be moving towards a new market” adding, “We didn’t expect that Microsoft would be ready to enter the hardware market, however, look for exciting things to come from this merger. It is a good day for computer hardware”.

Leopold Mercer spoke of the Dell Corporation indicating that there is a general air of excitement around the Dell headquarters with news of the merger. It is not expected that there will be any job cuts as a result of the merger given that Microsoft at present has not got the capacity for hardware development. It is expected also that Dell will be involved in the production and distribution of the XBOX line of products.

The move comes just as Microsoft is poised to produce and provide the new XBOX 360 which is set to hit store shelves in December 2005.

Carolina Cheerleaders Finish Gettin' It On Before Beating Up A Third Woman

2005-11-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

Read The Full Story

TAMPA, Fla. (UP) -- Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders are facing charges stemming from a fight in a nightclub restroom.

Renee Thomas and fellow TopCat Angela Keathley were arrested after the incident on Saturday the 5th.

A police spokeswoman says Angela Keithley, was positively identified as a TopCat cheerleader and is charged with resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

Renee Thomas will be charged with one count of battery for punching a woman in the face, and with giving a false name, causing harm to another (a third-degree felony). Thomas initially gave police the driver's license of another cheerleader who had loaned her the ID earlier.

Witnesses say Thomas and Keithley were engaged in sexual activity in a bathroom stall, and customers got angry because they were holding up the bathroom line.

Arguing escalated after they came out of the stall and a third woman was punched in the face.

We asked bar employee Jim Sacks what he new of the incident, "Why do things like this never happen when I am around? No, I didn't see anything, but I wish I had."

Apparently Renee Thomas has skipped bail and cannot be found by police. This marks the largest man-hunt ever put together for a 109 pound cheerleader. A police spokeswoman said this about their inability to find Thomas "We assume she is laying low with one of her lesbian friends right now, but it is only a matter of time before she surfaces for air, and we will be ready to jump oh her when she does."

Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley have been dismissed from the Carolina Panthers Cheerleading squad, mainly because they wouldn't let the coaches watch them in action, but don't worry about what will happen to this sexy duo; they will have each other for company while doing a little time, and they both have already been made lucrative deals to appear for Playboy.

So you haven't seen the last of Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley!!!

Jesus Catches A Football Game

2005-11-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

OMG!

A football game came to a grinding halt over the weekend when Jesus took his seat in the stands... or over them... or across them...

See for yourself:

Migrating Birds not Wi-Fi compliant

2005-11-09T17:48:00.000-05:00

As hundreds of millions of migrating birds head south for the winter, they will be faced with countless obstacles which will hinder their way along the thousands of miles they will travel as they attempt to make there way to warmer climates. Amongst those obstacles will be buildings, city scapes, low-flying airplanes, hunter, weather and pollution. Apart from the obvious however, a new enemy lurks in the skies as these precious travelers make there way to survival.

Wi-Fi, a popular medium for transferring data between computers and other portable electronics is proving to be quite a nuisance for these migrationists. According to sources from Ducks Unlimited International, certain frequencies can play havoc with the internal components of migrating waterfowl. One official was quoted as saying “We are finding more and more often that frequencies used with Wi-Fi “B” and Wi-Fi “G” are creating problems with the many different types of waterfowl we have been observing during this Migration period”.

“Wi-Fi technology is similar to that used in portable telephone technology, however, it provides a much more intense and focused signal” said Professor Jim Billingsworth of the University of Toronto. “It is quite conceivable that this form of communication could be interfering with the signals used by certain migrating birds to communicate with each other in flight; and that doesn't even start to touch on the immense amount of interference it must be causing to each birds own internal compass” mentioned Billingsworth.

With these reports in our minds, Unsound News took the test into our own hands to see if we could reproduce the issues at hand. “By collecting several ducks from our local park, we proceeded to set these ducks free from our building in the presence of our own Wi-Fi network router. In each test, the ducks were released in close proximity to the location of the Wi-Fi broadcast point” said Dan Merrill of Unsound News. “At first, we did not notice any difference in the flight ability of these birds regardless of whether or not we had our wireless network enabled. But then we dug out a portable amplifier and a small antenna; the extra juice cause two ducks to collide mid-air, and one goose flew in erratic circles around the building across the road until we finally turned off the router. By that point, the goose was so tired and mixed up, it just landed and waddled out into traffic before we could get to it again."

Darwin is WRONG - At least in Kansas

2005-11-09T08:56:00.000-05:00

Topeka, Kansas (UP) -- I drove through Kansas once; and it will be the last time that happens. I was in Colorado and needed to get to Missouri, next time I will take the longer route through Nebraska.

At the time, it was August and so hot that my tires were sticking to the road if I stopped for too long, fortunately there was no where worth stopping in Kansas. Hour after Hour I drove down the longest, flattest road I have ever seen with nothing to look at. At one point I became very excited to see a hill, which turned out to be an overpass.

Besides that overpass, there was nothing but farmers fields; hardly a tree in sight. And all the livestock I saw was crowded in behind the huge road-signs for shade. Trust me, this is a funny sight, a great big wide open field, with 150 cattle packed tighter than a Japanese Subway Tube around a 20X20 patch of shade.

I am giving you this information to illustrate what the state of Kansas does to your mind. It plays tricks... It messes with you... just look at 'The Wizard of OZ'!

Now, the Kansas State board of Mis-Education has revisited a topic that brought them ridicule 6 years ago; they have approved new science standards that encourage teachers to refute Darwin's theory of Evolution in favour of Intelligent Design (a fancy name and new spin for 'Creation Theory').

Intelligent Design holds that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by some kind of higher force and the new science class material teaches students that Charles Darwin’s theory is “not a fact” and has inexplicable “gaps.” It seems that Intelligent Design subscribers ignore the fact that the Intelligent Design theory is so full of holes you could strain pasta with it.

“This is a sad day. We're becoming a laughingstock of not only the nation, but of the world, and I hate that,” said board member Janet Waugh, a Democrat. And she is absolutely correct.

While the state still requires students to learn major evolutionary concepts, the new standards declare that Darwin's theories are inherently flawed and that recent fossil evidence and advances in molecular biology support this.

Board member John Uradinky (shown to the left) was good enough to sit down with us and explain why Darwin was wrong. Apparently new fossil evidence was discovered of an Angel who was helping God create a man but became trapped in an oil pit in the process was found in southern Kansas. This proves conclusively that God created Man AS-IS.

Now that the Kansas Board of Education has finally dealt with Evolution, they will now be attacking electricity as an abomination in the eyes of God and Gravity as a trick of the Devil.

On the bright side of this, Board members have a proven that HIV does NOT cause AIDs, and sex does not produce babies (only God has creation power after all).

It appears that Kansas will be leading the charge back to the Dark Ages where everybody was happy and warm and people were nicer.

Dale Earnhardt Senior may Race again at Daytona

2005-11-08T09:46:00.000-05:00

Few understand how it could be possible. On February 18th, 2005 many saw what they had believed would be Dale Earnhardt Senior’s last moments. It was a somber day as many were shocked, scared and mystified as to the day’s happenings as Dale Sr. was airlifted from Daytona International Speedway on the last lap of a race that many would never have envisioned to be his last.

And now, that may not necessarily be the case. Unsound News has learned from unconfirmed sources that while people have been led to believe that Dale Earnhardt Sr. is dead, it is entirely possible that he is still alive in a frozen state. “It would theoretically be possible for someone to be frozen, and reinstated in time for next year’s running of the Daytona 500” said Dr. Stephen Francis who is the lead scientist at the Center for Cryogenic Research in Seattle, Washington. “I don’t know how I would feel if it were our facility that had frozen Mr. Earnhardt Sr., I suppose I would ask for an autograph” added Francis.

While not many would yet believe it is possible for Dale Sr. to get back on the track, we here at Unsound News can not find any reason to refute the facts involved.

It remains a fact that Dale Sr. was not able to finish that last lap of his last outing at Daytona. With so much being left unfinished, it would be altogether fitting to see Dale Sr. finish that final lap. Said one fan outside Daytona International Speedway, “If this is actually real, I think it would be a monumental occasion for the Earnhardt family and for NASCAR in general”. While most fans we spoke with were excited and optimistic about the possibility of this “Final Lap”, some were not so encouraged. “I don’t know why they cannot just let this poor man die” said another fan. “If he is frozen, I think it would be a disgrace to his family, and to NASCAR. Certainly he shouldn’t be allowed to race at Daytona International Speedway again”.

There is no doubt that we here at Unsound News would be a little misty-eyed to see the great Dale Earnhardt Senior take that final lap at Daytona. If or when this could happen, however, remains on ice.

Vatican to reverse beliefs on abortion

2005-11-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

Unsound News’ own Vatican inside correspondent (who we will call Bishop Blackwell to protect his identity) has provided reports that indicate, under the direction of Pope Benedictus XVI, the Vatican is considering reversing its views on Abortion.

The Catholic Church has been under great pressure to try and deal with the problem of the world’s rising population. While, for more than 2000 years abortion has been considered a sin, sources indicate that the topic of Abortion may not be so taboo moving into the church’s future.

The news comes as a hugely unexpected turn of events given that most people considered the current Pope, Benedictus XVI, to be conservative, reserved and very orthodox in nature. No one is quite sure why the church has chosen to go up against 2000 years of tradition, however with the world’s population set to spiral out of control, it is believed that everyone must get in the ring and come up with new ways to help reverse the problem of a global overpopulation.

It is believed that the reversal in decision revolves around changing the belief that a fetus is actually alive. While previously the church has held that life is contained even in the seeds of Man and Woman, they have now come to realize that that Life actually does not start until you can see a babies head; this is the point when God breathes Life into us. This also means that condoms and other contraceptives are A-OK by the new Pope and the Vatican and they will be now be handing out condoms shaped like the Popes own episcopal mitre (his erect cloth hat) at every Mass. The Vatican brand condom will display their new slogan "Cover your Pope".

Unsound News couldn’t reach His Holiness the Pope for comment. We were instead directed one advisor who commented, “We are aware that Catholics everywhere will be shocked to hear of this news. Quite frankly, we do not care. We are the Shepards, they are our flock. Our flock will go where we lead them”.

Following this news from the Vatican, reports of birth rates across the world have decreased by 5% (with a margin of error of only 5% + or -).

“I cannot believe that the church would take such a radically different stance on something that has been so fundamental in the Catholic religion for so long” said long-time Catholic, Adel Preganson adding “Although I don’t understand, I have full and complete faith in my church to do what is right for their following”.

Cindy Miller of New York has completely different feelings on the reversal in decision "Now that I won't roast in Hell for all eternity, I have decided to get an abortion tomorrow! My friends are all doing it!"

Gary Bettman to step down as commissioner of NHL

2005-11-03T18:29:00.000-05:00

In a shocking state of affairs, sources close to the NHL have indicated that they believe Gary Bettman will be stepping down as the front-runner of the NHL.

Citing health concerns brought on by stress encountered through Collective Bargaining Agreement talks and through the first cancellation of a full NHL season since 1919, it is believed that Bettman will be holding a press conference to announce his resignation at some point before or after this weekend.

One NHL player, who asked to remain anonymous, stated today that “While I cannot always agree with Gary’s views, I certainly respect his drive and desire to have a better product on the ice. We just have to keep working hard out there and hope to get a few good bounces. If we keep battling, good things will happen”.

Mariah Carey Disses 50 Cent

2005-11-03T15:20:00.000-05:00

BuzzLog -- Despite rumours to the contrary, we have determined that Mariah Carey will NOT be putting out a single with superstar 50 Cent. According to her agent, Mariah was put off by 50 Cent's fanaticism with the Harry Potter Series. Apparently 50 Cent asked Mariah if they could wait until after the next movie, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was released as he was busy rereading the Harry Potter books in anticipation.

Maybe 50 Cent should look up Britney Spears instead, she is in need of a comeback single and may be closer to the right age to share 50 Cent's Love of Harry Potter.

Until L8R

Johnny Flash.

Parisian Mob Take Over Slums

2005-11-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

Paris, France (UP) -- For the seventh straight night, mobs of poor immigrant Parisians have rioted through the streets of Paris, setting fire to busses and buildings, shooting at Police and Fire crews and taking over their dirty little neighbourhoods.

Jacques Chirac, the French President, has acknowledged the "profound frustrations" of troubled neighbourhoods but maintains that violence is not the answer.
"Zones without law cannot exist in the republic," the French leader said, although the French authorities are virtually impotent in attempting to prevent it.

Since French police have completely failed to maintain any semblance of order in the darkened streets of Paris over the past 7 nights, they have decided to switch tact’s beginning today. Undercover French police have taken to the streets to hand out small bags of Prozac and Marijuana to all the young immigrants they can find as "this is the group we are targeting" says French Officer Michele Chrétien.

It is believed that the Prozac and weed will calm down the troubled youth of the city enough that they will prefer to stay home and watch good French TV. As a side bonus, there is an expected cash windfall to the aptly named 'Drug-the-Immigrants' program; "We also anticipate this program to help other immigrants through increased sales of snack foods in local stores" says Officer Chrétien.

It is believed that the riots have escalated after comments from French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy, who believes that all French rioters are "scumbags".

And why are all of these poor, under-educated, un-employed immigrants rioting in the first place? We have no idea, but have heard it started because a local pastry store was sold out of crepes.

Greenpeace Leaves Skidmark

2005-11-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

MANILA, Philippines (UP) -- In the ultimate irony, Greenpeace advocates slam their Greenpeace flagship, Rainbow Warrior II, into a protected coral reef while touring the Asian coastline on an 'energy revolution' tour.

The Coral Reef that Greenpeace Slammed into, is part of a world heritage site in the southern Philippines. Apparently Greenpeace advocates were too busy screaming at local fishermen through bullhorns to notice the MASSIVE CORAL REEF just feet below the crystal clear surface of the water.

Apparently Greenpeace does not appreciate the fact that these dirt-poor Philippine fishermen were fishing in the protected area where they also live. I hope that running their 100 foot boat into the local reef helped Greenpeace make their point.

Of course, Greenpeace cannot be held responsible, they bribed local authorities with $7000 cash and officially blamed the whole thing on out of date maps and a drunk captain. Since the Captain is a volunteer he cannot be fired, but we have word that he has returned to his regular job as the lead Galley cook and the Greenpeace crew has handed the helm over to the ships senior Deck Swab. According to Greenpeace crew member Dusty Willows "...he couldn't do any worse than River (the Galley Cook/Previous Captain)..."

Apparently the $7000 will go to throw a large party for the local government, since "It's not like you can just go out and buy more coral" says Yom Shippunah, a local politician.

Reported By:

Michael Valiant

Spinal Cord Factory opens in South Korea

2005-11-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

Seoul, South Korea (UP) -- The war over Stem Cell Research has taken a different turn today as the world's first Stem Cell Generation factory has opened in Seoul, South Korea. The website of the World Stem Cell Hub founded by Stem Cell Research pioneer Hwang Woo-Suk has been overwhelmed with traffic following the announcement.

At the outset of the project, it is expected that the "Factory" will begin producing Spinal Cords of various sizes and proportions to assist with Alzheimers cases around the world. It is expected that the factory can produce as many as 1300 spinal cord units in one month which will eventually be broadened to approximately 13,000 spinal cord units with the advancement of the technology that they use to mass produce these parts.

Although the factory will focus primarily on Spinal Cord units, the factory will shortly be upgrading its line to produce brains, bones, skin, various organs and even blood.

Critics of Stem Cell research have raised concerns over the opening of the Spinal Cord Factory indicating that the possibility exists for this factory to become much more than just a body part manufacturing facility. “The potential exists for this location to be a cloning facility. This is exactly what we feared from the beginning” mentioned Hyuk Nyuk Phong of the Organization for Protection Against Clones, or OPAC. “Government could begin using this technology to create soldiers which would be biologically flawless” she added. Upon hearing this response, the new Canadian Governer General, Michaelle Jean, replied, "I would actually start by cloning a less-flawed husband..."

Regardless of the controversy involved, nobody can argue with the fact that the Spinal Cord Factory is well on its way to cloning its own success. Orders for new body parts have already exceeded production capacity for the new Factory. “Backorders for Spinal Column Units have already reached an 18 month waiting period” mentioned Hwang Woo-suk. "...and don't even ask about other bits..."

Reported by:

Dan Merrill