Best ways to stop procrastinating

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We all have busy lives and lately it seems like one of the most common phrases we have heard around here is some variation of "I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to do what I need to". The funny thing is that we usually hear this from people standing around the water cooler, lounging around on a couch or generally pursuing some activity that is not getting them any closer to finishing whatever it is that needs to be done.

With this in mind, we set out see if we could find the reason why these people couldn't find enough time to get things accomplished and to see if we could come up with the best methods possible to help them out. That's just the type of people we are here at Unsound News, always helping out our fellow man, etc.

We contacted Dr. Philinsky at the Stanford institue of ethics, but he was asleep, no doubt procrastinating, so we went to a higher power. After much trouble, we were able to reach Dr. Opinilra from the New York Center of the Mind who was gracious enough to help us out.

Dr. Opinilra had this to say "Procrastination is all in the head of the procrastinator. Frankly procrastination is generally carried out by sloths." We were a little confused by the sloths comment as we were sure that procrastination was a Human trait; we pushed for more. "Sloths, I was trying to be PC... we are talking about really lazy people here; the more lazy the person, the more procrastinating gets done. Let's face it... people who are industrious do not procrastinate... this is definately a lazy thing."

Yes, but how does one get over a procrastination problem? Dr. Opinilra helped us out with this small list:

• Stop being so bloody lazy!! Stop complaining about not having enough time, get off your tubby backside and get something done!!!
• Drink copious amounts of coffee and coke
• Everytime you notice yourself complaining about not having time to do something, DO IT! It is a common trait with regular-procrastinators to spend so much time complaining about not having enough time, that they really don't have much time left. The time you spend complaing to everyone around you (who don't really care beyond the first comment anyway) could be more than enough time to do what you are complaining about not having enough time to do in the first place!
• To borrow a common slogan - JUST DO IT!
• If you an overly nervous person and the tasks that are piling up are so numerous that you feel daunted, start with baby steps. Prioritize the tasks and concentrate on the one at the top of the list first, when it is done, go to the next.
• Efedra dissolved in redbull. Start with one EfedRedBull every three hours - may give you some uncomfortable heart palpatations, but you will definately not feel like sitting around!
• If everything ends ass-up and you just can't seem to get what you need to do done, Forget about it! Really... if it wasn't important enough for you to get off the couch last month, or last week... then why bother. Just cross it off you list! Then you will have some free time to find something else to complain about!

Apple Donates Millions Of Dollars In Equipment To Schools Across The US

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In an unanticipated move this week, Apple Computers has generously donated Millions of Dollars worth of computer equipment to schools across America. Because the computers are a little dated, we could not get an exact worth, but the donation works out to tens of millions of computers.

When we contacted Apple we were shifted around a few times before finally being dumped in the lap of PR employee Shelly Korne, "We had all of these machines taking up space in warehouses across the mid-west... We heard that there was a severe shortage in many schools... It seemed like a good fit."

After talking to Principals across the nation, we have learned that the vast majority of these new computers are actually Apple II (or Apple ][ we are told) and Apple II g's although there is apparently a few commodores and even a handful of Atari 800XL's, although, Shelly Korne could not explain why Apple had these competitors systems.
"Of course we are grateful for donations of any kind..." says Principal John Womack of Windy Hill middle school outside of Harrisburg Pennsylvania, "and they are certainly better than nothing, which is what we had previously!"

But not everyone was so positive. Kathy Chavez, an English teacher in Arizona had this to say, "Hello!!! The screens only come in cyan, there are no USB ports, so we couldn't upgrade to a webcam even if we could afford the $50, I am pretty sure that the laser printer in the office isn't compatible, and don't even get me started on the sound produce when these are running..."

Jerry Wiltz, a Board of Education member in Kansas was even more succinct, "Can you even get 5 1/4 inch disks? Or was it 5 1/2?!?" That being said, these computers are appropriate for the school board that voted to stop teaching the theory of evolution!

When we tried to contact Shelly Korne again we found out that she had been sacked for talking to us. But we did convince Tom Harris, another employee to spill the beans after promising that he would remain anonymous; "It's like this, we had planned on digging a big hole in New Mexico and burying the approximately 12 million computers, but the sheer amount of mercury and lead that would have put directly into the areas ground water would have been very, very bad... Besides, we buried a bunch of computers in the late 90's and got in big trouble over the whole thing!"

NASA Finds Jesus on Mars!

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This was sent to us by an anonymous source at NASA's Califorina office.

If you have a picture displaying the appearance of Christ, we will help you show the world! send it to unsoundnews@gmail.com.

Dell to merge with Microsoft in deal worth 30 Billion

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With reports of declining interest in the PC market and less desire by consumers to purchase bundled computer systems, Unsound News has learned Dell Computer Corporation is poised to sell majority stakes to the Microsoft Corporation.

In a deal worth an estimated 30 Billion, Dell is expected to merge with the Seattle Giant creating the largest system based software manufacturer on the market.

The move has been seen as an attempt by the Microsoft Corporation to combat rising popularity of Google which has begun to invade the Internet and software industry by storm. “With the move” said trader Geoffrey McMichael, “Microsoft appears to be moving towards a new market” adding, “We didn’t expect that Microsoft would be ready to enter the hardware market, however, look for exciting things to come from this merger. It is a good day for computer hardware”.

Leopold Mercer spoke of the Dell Corporation indicating that there is a general air of excitement around the Dell headquarters with news of the merger. It is not expected that there will be any job cuts as a result of the merger given that Microsoft at present has not got the capacity for hardware development. It is expected also that Dell will be involved in the production and distribution of the XBOX line of products.

The move comes just as Microsoft is poised to produce and provide the new XBOX 360 which is set to hit store shelves in December 2005.

Carolina Cheerleaders Finish Gettin' It On Before Beating Up A Third Woman

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TAMPA, Fla. (UP) -- Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders are facing charges stemming from a fight in a nightclub restroom.

Renee Thomas and fellow TopCat Angela Keathley were arrested after the incident on Saturday the 5th.

A police spokeswoman says Angela Keithley, was positively identified as a TopCat cheerleader and is charged with resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

Renee Thomas will be charged with one count of battery for punching a woman in the face, and with giving a false name, causing harm to another (a third-degree felony). Thomas initially gave police the driver's license of another cheerleader who had loaned her the ID earlier.

Witnesses say Thomas and Keithley were engaged in sexual activity in a bathroom stall, and customers got angry because they were holding up the bathroom line.

Arguing escalated after they came out of the stall and a third woman was punched in the face.

We asked bar employee Jim Sacks what he new of the incident, "Why do things like this never happen when I am around? No, I didn't see anything, but I wish I had."

Apparently Renee Thomas has skipped bail and cannot be found by police. This marks the largest man-hunt ever put together for a 109 pound cheerleader. A police spokeswoman said this about their inability to find Thomas "We assume she is laying low with one of her lesbian friends right now, but it is only a matter of time before she surfaces for air, and we will be ready to jump oh her when she does."

Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley have been dismissed from the Carolina Panthers Cheerleading squad, mainly because they wouldn't let the coaches watch them in action, but don't worry about what will happen to this sexy duo; they will have each other for company while doing a little time, and they both have already been made lucrative deals to appear for Playboy.

So you haven't seen the last of Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley!!!

Jesus Catches A Football Game

OMG!

A football game came to a grinding halt over the weekend when Jesus took his seat in the stands... or over them... or across them...

See for yourself:

Migrating Birds not Wi-Fi compliant

As hundreds of millions of migrating birds head south for the winter, they will be faced with countless obstacles which will hinder their way along the thousands of miles they will travel as they attempt to make there way to warmer climates. Amongst those obstacles will be buildings, city scapes, low-flying airplanes, hunter, weather and pollution. Apart from the obvious however, a new enemy lurks in the skies as these precious travelers make there way to survival.

Wi-Fi, a popular medium for transferring data between computers and other portable electronics is proving to be quite a nuisance for these migrationists. According to sources from Ducks Unlimited International, certain frequencies can play havoc with the internal components of migrating waterfowl. One official was quoted as saying “We are finding more and more often that frequencies used with Wi-Fi “B” and Wi-Fi “G” are creating problems with the many different types of waterfowl we have been observing during this Migration period”.

“Wi-Fi technology is similar to that used in portable telephone technology, however, it provides a much more intense and focused signal” said Professor Jim Billingsworth of the University of Toronto. “It is quite conceivable that this form of communication could be interfering with the signals used by certain migrating birds to communicate with each other in flight; and that doesn't even start to touch on the immense amount of interference it must be causing to each birds own internal compass” mentioned Billingsworth.

With these reports in our minds, Unsound News took the test into our own hands to see if we could reproduce the issues at hand. “By collecting several ducks from our local park, we proceeded to set these ducks free from our building in the presence of our own Wi-Fi network router. In each test, the ducks were released in close proximity to the location of the Wi-Fi broadcast point” said Dan Merrill of Unsound News. “At first, we did not notice any difference in the flight ability of these birds regardless of whether or not we had our wireless network enabled. But then we dug out a portable amplifier and a small antenna; the extra juice cause two ducks to collide mid-air, and one goose flew in erratic circles around the building across the road until we finally turned off the router. By that point, the goose was so tired and mixed up, it just landed and waddled out into traffic before we could get to it again."

Darwin is WRONG - At least in Kansas

Topeka, Kansas (UP) -- I drove through Kansas once; and it will be the last time that happens. I was in Colorado and needed to get to Missouri, next time I will take the longer route through Nebraska.

At the time, it was August and so hot that my tires were sticking to the road if I stopped for too long, fortunately there was no where worth stopping in Kansas. Hour after Hour I drove down the longest, flattest road I have ever seen with nothing to look at. At one point I became very excited to see a hill, which turned out to be an overpass.

Besides that overpass, there was nothing but farmers fields; hardly a tree in sight. And all the livestock I saw was crowded in behind the huge road-signs for shade. Trust me, this is a funny sight, a great big wide open field, with 150 cattle packed tighter than a Japanese Subway Tube around a 20X20 patch of shade.

I am giving you this information to illustrate what the state of Kansas does to your mind. It plays tricks... It messes with you... just look at 'The Wizard of OZ'!

Now, the Kansas State board of Mis-Education has revisited a topic that brought them ridicule 6 years ago; they have approved new science standards that encourage teachers to refute Darwin's theory of Evolution in favour of Intelligent Design (a fancy name and new spin for 'Creation Theory').

Intelligent Design holds that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by some kind of higher force and the new science class material teaches students that Charles Darwin’s theory is “not a fact” and has inexplicable “gaps.” It seems that Intelligent Design subscribers ignore the fact that the Intelligent Design theory is so full of holes you could strain pasta with it.

“This is a sad day. We're becoming a laughingstock of not only the nation, but of the world, and I hate that,” said board member Janet Waugh, a Democrat. And she is absolutely correct.

While the state still requires students to learn major evolutionary concepts, the new standards declare that Darwin's theories are inherently flawed and that recent fossil evidence and advances in molecular biology support this.


Board member John Uradinky (shown to the left) was good enough to sit down with us and explain why Darwin was wrong. Apparently new fossil evidence was discovered of an Angel who was helping God create a man but became trapped in an oil pit in the process was found in southern Kansas. This proves conclusively that God created Man AS-IS.

Now that the Kansas Board of Education has finally dealt with Evolution, they will now be attacking electricity as an abomination in the eyes of God and Gravity as a trick of the Devil.

On the bright side of this, Board members have a proven that HIV does NOT cause AIDs, and sex does not produce babies (only God has creation power after all).

It appears that Kansas will be leading the charge back to the Dark Ages where everybody was happy and warm and people were nicer.

Dale Earnhardt Senior may Race again at Daytona

Few understand how it could be possible. On February 18th, 2005 many saw what they had believed would be Dale Earnhardt Senior’s last moments. It was a somber day as many were shocked, scared and mystified as to the day’s happenings as Dale Sr. was airlifted from Daytona International Speedway on the last lap of a race that many would never have envisioned to be his last.

And now, that may not necessarily be the case. Unsound News has learned from unconfirmed sources that while people have been led to believe that Dale Earnhardt Sr. is dead, it is entirely possible that he is still alive in a frozen state. “It would theoretically be possible for someone to be frozen, and reinstated in time for next year’s running of the Daytona 500” said Dr. Stephen Francis who is the lead scientist at the Center for Cryogenic Research in Seattle, Washington. “I don’t know how I would feel if it were our facility that had frozen Mr. Earnhardt Sr., I suppose I would ask for an autograph” added Francis.

While not many would yet believe it is possible for Dale Sr. to get back on the track, we here at Unsound News can not find any reason to refute the facts involved.

It remains a fact that Dale Sr. was not able to finish that last lap of his last outing at Daytona. With so much being left unfinished, it would be altogether fitting to see Dale Sr. finish that final lap. Said one fan outside Daytona International Speedway, “If this is actually real, I think it would be a monumental occasion for the Earnhardt family and for NASCAR in general”. While most fans we spoke with were excited and optimistic about the possibility of this “Final Lap”, some were not so encouraged. “I don’t know why they cannot just let this poor man die” said another fan. “If he is frozen, I think it would be a disgrace to his family, and to NASCAR. Certainly he shouldn’t be allowed to race at Daytona International Speedway again”.

There is no doubt that we here at Unsound News would be a little misty-eyed to see the great Dale Earnhardt Senior take that final lap at Daytona. If or when this could happen, however, remains on ice.