Vatican to reverse beliefs on abortion

Unsound News’ own Vatican inside correspondent (who we will call Bishop Blackwell to protect his identity) has provided reports that indicate, under the direction of Pope Benedictus XVI, the Vatican is considering reversing its views on Abortion.

The Catholic Church has been under great pressure to try and deal with the problem of the world’s rising population. While, for more than 2000 years abortion has been considered a sin, sources indicate that the topic of Abortion may not be so taboo moving into the church’s future.

The news comes as a hugely unexpected turn of events given that most people considered the current Pope, Benedictus XVI, to be conservative, reserved and very orthodox in nature. No one is quite sure why the church has chosen to go up against 2000 years of tradition, however with the world’s population set to spiral out of control, it is believed that everyone must get in the ring and come up with new ways to help reverse the problem of a global overpopulation.

It is believed that the reversal in decision revolves around changing the belief that a fetus is actually alive. While previously the church has held that life is contained even in the seeds of Man and Woman, they have now come to realize that that Life actually does not start until you can see a babies head; this is the point when God breathes Life into us. This also means that condoms and other contraceptives are A-OK by the new Pope and the Vatican and they will be now be handing out condoms shaped like the Popes own episcopal mitre (his erect cloth hat) at every Mass. The Vatican brand condom will display their new slogan "Cover your Pope".

Unsound News couldn’t reach His Holiness the Pope for comment. We were instead directed one advisor who commented, “We are aware that Catholics everywhere will be shocked to hear of this news. Quite frankly, we do not care. We are the Shepards, they are our flock. Our flock will go where we lead them”.

Following this news from the Vatican, reports of birth rates across the world have decreased by 5% (with a margin of error of only 5% + or -).

“I cannot believe that the church would take such a radically different stance on something that has been so fundamental in the Catholic religion for so long” said long-time Catholic, Adel Preganson adding “Although I don’t understand, I have full and complete faith in my church to do what is right for their following”.

Cindy Miller of New York has completely different feelings on the reversal in decision "Now that I won't roast in Hell for all eternity, I have decided to get an abortion tomorrow! My friends are all doing it!"

Gary Bettman to step down as commissioner of NHL

In a shocking state of affairs, sources close to the NHL have indicated that they believe Gary Bettman will be stepping down as the front-runner of the NHL.

Citing health concerns brought on by stress encountered through Collective Bargaining Agreement talks and through the first cancellation of a full NHL season since 1919, it is believed that Bettman will be holding a press conference to announce his resignation at some point before or after this weekend.

One NHL player, who asked to remain anonymous, stated today that “While I cannot always agree with Gary’s views, I certainly respect his drive and desire to have a better product on the ice. We just have to keep working hard out there and hope to get a few good bounces. If we keep battling, good things will happen”.

Mariah Carey Disses 50 Cent

BuzzLog -- Despite rumours to the contrary, we have determined that Mariah Carey will NOT be putting out a single with superstar 50 Cent. According to her agent, Mariah was put off by 50 Cent's fanaticism with the Harry Potter Series. Apparently 50 Cent asked Mariah if they could wait until after the next movie, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was released as he was busy rereading the Harry Potter books in anticipation.

Maybe 50 Cent should look up Britney Spears instead, she is in need of a comeback single and may be closer to the right age to share 50 Cent's Love of Harry Potter.

Until L8R

Johnny Flash.

Parisian Mob Take Over Slums

Paris, France (UP) -- For the seventh straight night, mobs of poor immigrant Parisians have rioted through the streets of Paris, setting fire to busses and buildings, shooting at Police and Fire crews and taking over their dirty little neighbourhoods.

Jacques Chirac, the French President, has acknowledged the "profound frustrations" of troubled neighbourhoods but maintains that violence is not the answer.
"Zones without law cannot exist in the republic," the French leader said, although the French authorities are virtually impotent in attempting to prevent it.

Since French police have completely failed to maintain any semblance of order in the darkened streets of Paris over the past 7 nights, they have decided to switch tact’s beginning today. Undercover French police have taken to the streets to hand out small bags of Prozac and Marijuana to all the young immigrants they can find as "this is the group we are targeting" says French Officer Michele Chrétien.

It is believed that the Prozac and weed will calm down the troubled youth of the city enough that they will prefer to stay home and watch good French TV. As a side bonus, there is an expected cash windfall to the aptly named 'Drug-the-Immigrants' program; "We also anticipate this program to help other immigrants through increased sales of snack foods in local stores" says Officer Chrétien.

It is believed that the riots have escalated after comments from French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy, who believes that all French rioters are "scumbags".

And why are all of these poor, under-educated, un-employed immigrants rioting in the first place? We have no idea, but have heard it started because a local pastry store was sold out of crepes.

Greenpeace Leaves Skidmark

MANILA, Philippines (UP) -- In the ultimate irony, Greenpeace advocates slam their Greenpeace flagship, Rainbow Warrior II, into a protected coral reef while touring the Asian coastline on an 'energy revolution' tour.

The Coral Reef that Greenpeace Slammed into, is part of a world heritage site in the southern Philippines. Apparently Greenpeace advocates were too busy screaming at local fishermen through bullhorns to notice the MASSIVE CORAL REEF just feet below the crystal clear surface of the water.

Apparently Greenpeace does not appreciate the fact that these dirt-poor Philippine fishermen were fishing in the protected area where they also live. I hope that running their 100 foot boat into the local reef helped Greenpeace make their point.

Of course, Greenpeace cannot be held responsible, they bribed local authorities with $7000 cash and officially blamed the whole thing on out of date maps and a drunk captain. Since the Captain is a volunteer he cannot be fired, but we have word that he has returned to his regular job as the lead Galley cook and the Greenpeace crew has handed the helm over to the ships senior Deck Swab. According to Greenpeace crew member Dusty Willows "...he couldn't do any worse than River (the Galley Cook/Previous Captain)..."

Apparently the $7000 will go to throw a large party for the local government, since "It's not like you can just go out and buy more coral" says Yom Shippunah, a local politician.

Reported By:

Michael Valiant

Spinal Cord Factory opens in South Korea

Seoul, South Korea (UP) -- The war over Stem Cell Research has taken a different turn today as the world's first Stem Cell Generation factory has opened in Seoul, South Korea. The website of the World Stem Cell Hub founded by Stem Cell Research pioneer Hwang Woo-Suk has been overwhelmed with traffic following the announcement.

At the outset of the project, it is expected that the "Factory" will begin producing Spinal Cords of various sizes and proportions to assist with Alzheimers cases around the world. It is expected that the factory can produce as many as 1300 spinal cord units in one month which will eventually be broadened to approximately 13,000 spinal cord units with the advancement of the technology that they use to mass produce these parts.

Although the factory will focus primarily on Spinal Cord units, the factory will shortly be upgrading its line to produce brains, bones, skin, various organs and even blood.

Critics of Stem Cell research have raised concerns over the opening of the Spinal Cord Factory indicating that the possibility exists for this factory to become much more than just a body part manufacturing facility. “The potential exists for this location to be a cloning facility. This is exactly what we feared from the beginning” mentioned Hyuk Nyuk Phong of the Organization for Protection Against Clones, or OPAC. “Government could begin using this technology to create soldiers which would be biologically flawless” she added. Upon hearing this response, the new Canadian Governer General, Michaelle Jean, replied, "I would actually start by cloning a less-flawed husband..."

Regardless of the controversy involved, nobody can argue with the fact that the Spinal Cord Factory is well on its way to cloning its own success. Orders for new body parts have already exceeded production capacity for the new Factory. “Backorders for Spinal Column Units have already reached an 18 month waiting period” mentioned Hwang Woo-suk. "...and don't even ask about other bits..."

Reported by:

Dan Merrill

Pluto Found To Have A Few More Rocks... Er... Moons

Scientists have recently found two more satellites circling around the most distant planet in our solar system and have so far been able to come up with the incredibly thoughtful names of P1 and P2 for these planetary bodies.

Of course, scientists are split on whether or not Pluto itself is actually a planet at a mere 1400 miles across, so we are uncertain whether or not it is important news.

Suffice to say that there are possibly 2 new satellites apparently circling around what is potentially the furthest planet from our sun. As soon as the International Astronomical Union, the governing body in these affairs, decides on whether Pluto is a planet or not, they will make a decision on whether or not these two satellites are actually moons or not.

Pluto was originally discovered in 1930, so we estimate that a decision regarding these new satellites will be reached around the same time that our great-grandchildren are graduating university.

Reported by:

Michael Valiant