Jessica Simpson and Kelly Clarkson Date Same Guy

Hollywood, CA (UP) - Unsound News has learned that Jessica Simpson, recently seperated from her husband, and Kelly Clarkson have both been seen out on the town with the same guy. And who is the lucky guy that has been seen with these two glamour queens?!

'70's teen heartthrob Leif Garrett. That's right, the washed up actor/singer who says he has kicked heroin for good, has somehow seduced two of hollywoods hottest items.

We wonder what will happen when Kelly and Jessica find out about each other!

Reported by:

Johnny Flash

Ambatchdotcom Seocontest

Gulf Coast Prepares For Next Hurricane

New Orleans, LA (UP) -- As Florida and the Yucatan Peninsula shake off the debris from Hurricane Wilma, Canada's Atlantic Provinces hunker down for their turn at the hands of this monster Hurricane.

Meanwhile, with over 30 days left in the Hurricane season residents of the Gulf Coast are preparing for the worst case scenario... yet another Monster Storm.

Gas, food and water are being stockpiled, sand bags are being filled, ditches dug out, and, we have just learned, Houses are being raised.

Up and down the still soggy streets of New Orleans, residents are slowly filtering back into the city. Determined to not have a repeat of Katrina, many residents are raising their homes onto pillars hoping to avoid flood waters that can be meters deep.

Will it help?! Only time will tell. After the next storm rips through this still recovering area, we will return to see how this determined population fared.

Reported by:

Michael Valiant

It's 4:20, Halloween Night, Toronto, do you know where your children are?

Toronoto, ON (UP)-- As the Halloween season fast approaches, children’s thoughts of trick-or-treating rise with excitement. Door to door, children head throughout their neighborhoods in hope of “Filling that Sack” with as much candy as possible. Unfortunately until now, Halloween has only been a child-friendly activity requiring parents to tag along as “Assistants” but never being allowed to partake in the festivities.

In Toronto, Ontario Canada, that is about to change. Recently, Toronto City Council passed a new bill to allow local drug dealers, for one night only, to pass out small quantities of Marijuana to any adult that approaches them and asks for a “Treat”. Although the sale of Marijuana in this country is illegal, it was determined by city council that in small quantities, and provided that there was no money exchanged in the deal, that this would be a perfectly acceptable practice for Halloween night only.


Unsound News decided to hit the streets of Toronto to investigate what local Torontonians thought of the new bill passed by their City Council.

David Jensen of Toronto said, “I believe that so long as there is no money changing hands, it is a good idea, I mean, people are going to do it anyhow, maybe it will calm violence”.

Helen Smith of Mississauga indicated, “Why Not, maybe it will help people drive better”

Aiden Murphy also of Toronto was quoted as saying “Man, if I had known, I wouldn’t have bought so much this morning”.

With the recent bout of Gun Violence in the City of Toronto, it is believed that this act of good faith by Toronto City Council should help to keep order within the city. Constable Rick Rickson of the Toronto Police noted, “Halloween is typically one of our most busy nights of the year. With any luck this Pot will help calm our criminals down and help us to be able to subdue any criminals we encounter”.

News of the Toronto City Council decision has been welcomed with open arms by Toronto area convenience store owners. It is believed that sales of convenience food such as potato chips and pop will rise by 400% in the wake of today’s decision.

Reported by:

Dan Merrill

McDonalds To Slap Nutritional Value On Food Packaging

Chicago, Illinois (UP) -- In another move to crush their critics, McDonald's Corp has announced that they will be displaying product nutritional mis-information to the packaging for most of their menu items in the new year. Of course, they will still be leaving the nutritional information off for the really unhealthy, artery-clogging menu selections.

McDonalds is the worlds largest restaurant and, ironically, produces the worlds largest customers.

The bright side to this story is that MikeyD fatties will no longer have to walk all the way back to the counter to get their nutritional information, just in case they decide to finally GIVE A DAM in the middle of a Big Mac, ridiculous-size Fry and tub 'o Cola .

The company has maintained for years that its food can be part of an active, balanced lifestyle. Unfortunately, the typical McDonald's consumer is NOT, an active, balanced person.

"Considering America's obesity epidemic, that calorie information would do more than just about any other measure to help people protect their waistlines," said a food industry watchdog executive, Nathan F. Jackson. Of course, we disagree. The Unsound News staff believes NOT FILLING YOUR FACE WITH FAST FOOD # TIMES A DAY, would be a much more effective measure; but what do we know.

Upon hearing this story, we wandered down to a local McDonalds to see what the typical patron had to say about this change (and it was lunch-time).

New Yorker Eddie Vanne thinks; "It's about time, huh! I have been eating this stuff for years,

it's great, now I will be able to see if it is good for me or not;"

But the general consensus was "Who Cares?!?"


We Talked to This Group of New Yorkers as they were leaving McDonalds

Reported by:
Michael Valiant

Ohio (UP) -- Department store giant Wal-Mart announced today that they will be cutting more than 13,000 jobs worldwide while simultaneously opening 200 more stores.

Unknown sources from within the Wal-Mart organization have stated that employees who are more than 200 pounds in weight, or more than 60 years of age will be the first to be targeted by the company for dismissal.

Jong Yoon Sing of a well known Wal-Mart watchdog group has been following the story and regarded the job cuts as being “despicable” and “underhanded”. Said Yoon Sing, “What we are seeing here is clearly a means by which Wal-Mart is attempting to cut back their expenditures on healthcare benefits” adding that “this company has always been looking for ways to cut corners and decrease the fundamental necessities of the workplace”

In a discussion with one Wal-Mart executive, it was expressed that this is not a means of “Employee Genocide” rather; it’s a way to ensure that staff are able to respond to our customer’s needs more effectively. “We have too many employees who are just too fat to walk our customers to the aisle containing products they are looking for, without taking rest-stops along the way” claimed one Wal-Mart manager.

Although Wal-Mart has a proven history of criticism when it comes to their employees, they insist that they are still one of the top employers in the world for providing employee satisfaction.

Look for Wal-Mart watchdog groups and union organizations to attempt to bring this issue more fully into the media in the days to come.

Reported by:

Dan Merrill

Base Ball Players Should Consider Career In Golf

So Game 3 of the World Series has ended after 14 painful innings. It was a game filled with walks and double plays, hit batters and bad baserunning, strange decisions and really, really awful swings, but somehow the Chicago Baseball club who has not won a championship series in over 80 years managed to thrash a win out of game three.


The picture to the left shows why we think this game went so long. It is obvious to us that Geoff Blum has been playing to much Tiger Wood's Golf on his Xbox and confused his swing. Somebody should have reminded him which sport he was playing prior to sending him off to bat...

"The game was a REAL ass-breaker," says Stan Lenski, the White Sox "third biggest fan", after sitting in plastic stadium seating for 5 hours and 41 minutes. "...Not only that, they left the roof open, so it was 6 hours of hard nipples" Stan says of the frigid weather.

Since no baseball club who EVER lost the first three games of their series has ever come back to win said series, we feel confident enough to say that the White Sox will win all the baseball hoopla this year -- yawn --.

So, since there is really no longer any point in watching the remaining, anti-climatic game or two, this will be our last baseball column until next year.

We hope all you die-hards out there enjoy the remaining games and hope they are not as painful as game 3. For us, we will be moving our attention to more exciting sports... like curling.

Reported By,
Michael Valiant

"Avian Flu" not the only world Pandemic concern.

With fears of Mass Pandemic rising across the world in response to recent “Bird Flu” reports, the world community seems set to brace itself for what may be the largest health catastrophe since the Spanish Flu earlier last century.

While the world braces itself for a possible outbreak of such a pandemic, few if any are aware of the lesser known “Arborean Flu”.

In recent months, officials for the worlds leading health organization have recognized that a very special strain of viral flu is propagating its way though contact with trees and other vegetation.

While it is not yet known exactly how the Arborean Flu has been transferred between vegetation and animals, it is known that several types of animals have fallen victim to this flu in mass numbers over the last 6 months.



Effects of the Horrible Boreal Flu

With all the worries of a human pandemic in the making, people don’t stop to think about what the loss of all these animals will do to the world. Dr. Julian D. Downing of the World Animal Flu and disease protection warned that “While people are worrying about dying themselves from the supposed Bird Flu mutation, they don’t stop to think that without animals, they will not be able to eat”. Dr. Downing also noted that “Vegetarians as well may not be as safe as would be believed. It is yet to be determined whether the Arborean Flu can be transferred directly to humans through the consumption of infected vegetables”.

While the threat remains real, Dr. Downing cautions that we have not yet been able to determine the full extent of this illness. “As of yet, while it is possible that this could be a bigger problem than has been expressed, we do not have scientific results which would prove this to be a worldwide pandemic situation”.

Reported By:

Dan Merrill

"Blackberry Thumb" Causing Drastic Reduction In HitchHikers WorldWide

Millions of BlackBerry wireless handheld addicts are losing control of their thumbs.

We have all seen them... banging away on their tiny handhelds in Starbucks, punching out long emails in the Mall, hammering those tiny little buttons that seem to have been designed for a 5-year olds hand, not an adults.

Well, things are coming full circle now.

Repetitive motion injuries, which have long afflicted other electronic device users, are invading the miniture handheld world.

Excessive use of a miniture keyboard CAN result in thumb seizures and amputations in extreme circumstances.

Just ask Billy Brice from Arkansas "I used to use my blackberry for work, I would email my buddies if I found a good fishin spot, or fresh road kill... now my thumbs hurt so bad I have to use this other finger to open my beer. And to make matters worse I can't use the TV remote, so I have to yell at my wife all the time to make her put it on the right channel!"

No statistics yet exist on how many people suffer from this type of thumb ailment, but police say there has been a drastic reduction in the number of Hitchhikers on our highways over the past year and a half.

Specialists say the thumb, considered by experts as an island because it is set apart from the other fingers, is among the least dexterous digit and is not meant to be rigorously worked out.

On the bright side of this story, Blackberry-thumb is causing a increase in the ergonomic and hand-expert job industries.

Reported by:
Michael Valiant

Wilma set to terrorize Atlantic Canada as Category 7

In an unprecedented show of enormity, Hurricane Wilma topped out the historical charts by becoming the first ever Category 7 storm. With winds topping 500 MPH, Wilma cut its way across southern Florida early Monday morning.

Eyewitnesses to the storm, the few who remain in the South of Florida, claim that most of the southern tip of the state has “Fallen off into the Ocean” giving a grave description of the fact that this entire region is simply “Missing” under water.

Evacuation measures have now begun to take shape up the entire east coast of the United States right into the Atlantic provinces of Canada as Wilma is expected to only intensify in the week to come.

The Atlantic Canadian provinces have never seen the full force of a such a large hurricane before and are scrambling to prepare for the landfall of this monster.

Reported By:
Dan Merrill