Vatican to reverse beliefs on abortion
Unsound News’ own Vatican inside correspondent (who we will call Bishop Blackwell to protect his identity) has provided reports that indicate, under the direction of Pope Benedictus XVI, the Vatican is considering reversing its views on Abortion.
The Catholic Church has been under great pressure to try and deal with the problem of the world’s rising population. While, for more than 2000 years abortion has been considered a sin, sources indicate that the topic of Abortion may not be so taboo moving into the church’s future.
The news comes as a hugely unexpected turn of events given that most people considered the current Pope, Benedictus XVI, to be conservative, reserved and very orthodox in nature. No one is quite sure why the church has chosen to go up against 2000 years of tradition, however with the world’s population set to spiral out of control, it is believed that everyone must get in the ring and come up with new ways to help reverse the problem of a global overpopulation.
It is believed that the reversal in decision revolves around changing the belief that a fetus is actually alive. While previously the church has held that life is contained even in the seeds of Man and Woman, they have now come to realize that that Life actually does not start until you can see a babies head; this is the point when God breathes Life into us. This also means that condoms and other contraceptives are A-OK by the new Pope and the Vatican and they will be now be handing out condoms shaped like the Popes own episcopal mitre (his erect cloth hat) at every Mass. The Vatican brand condom will display their new slogan "Cover your Pope".
Unsound News couldn’t reach His Holiness the Pope for comment. We were instead directed one advisor who commented, “We are aware that Catholics everywhere will be shocked to hear of this news. Quite frankly, we do not care. We are the Shepards, they are our flock. Our flock will go where we lead them”.
Following this news from the Vatican, reports of birth rates across the world have decreased by 5% (with a margin of error of only 5% + or -).
“I cannot believe that the church would take such a radically different stance on something that has been so fundamental in the Catholic religion for so long” said long-time Catholic, Adel Preganson adding “Although I don’t understand, I have full and complete faith in my church to do what is right for their following”.
Cindy Miller of New York has completely different feelings on the reversal in decision "Now that I won't roast in Hell for all eternity, I have decided to get an abortion tomorrow! My friends are all doing it!"
The Catholic Church has been under great pressure to try and deal with the problem of the world’s rising population. While, for more than 2000 years abortion has been considered a sin, sources indicate that the topic of Abortion may not be so taboo moving into the church’s future.
The news comes as a hugely unexpected turn of events given that most people considered the current Pope, Benedictus XVI, to be conservative, reserved and very orthodox in nature. No one is quite sure why the church has chosen to go up against 2000 years of tradition, however with the world’s population set to spiral out of control, it is believed that everyone must get in the ring and come up with new ways to help reverse the problem of a global overpopulation.
It is believed that the reversal in decision revolves around changing the belief that a fetus is actually alive. While previously the church has held that life is contained even in the seeds of Man and Woman, they have now come to realize that that Life actually does not start until you can see a babies head; this is the point when God breathes Life into us. This also means that condoms and other contraceptives are A-OK by the new Pope and the Vatican and they will be now be handing out condoms shaped like the Popes own episcopal mitre (his erect cloth hat) at every Mass. The Vatican brand condom will display their new slogan "Cover your Pope".
Unsound News couldn’t reach His Holiness the Pope for comment. We were instead directed one advisor who commented, “We are aware that Catholics everywhere will be shocked to hear of this news. Quite frankly, we do not care. We are the Shepards, they are our flock. Our flock will go where we lead them”.
Following this news from the Vatican, reports of birth rates across the world have decreased by 5% (with a margin of error of only 5% + or -).
“I cannot believe that the church would take such a radically different stance on something that has been so fundamental in the Catholic religion for so long” said long-time Catholic, Adel Preganson adding “Although I don’t understand, I have full and complete faith in my church to do what is right for their following”.
Cindy Miller of New York has completely different feelings on the reversal in decision "Now that I won't roast in Hell for all eternity, I have decided to get an abortion tomorrow! My friends are all doing it!"
posted by SwiftOne | 2:55 PM
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